I took my daily walk around Špielbirk Castle after dark tonight. With a clear sky and a nip in the air, Morana is clearly holding on but Her grasp is slipping slowly away. Spring comes and despite the icy chill, you can feel it now. She begins to feel more distant to me despite my attempts to focus on her in the guise of ice queen. Although, yesterday, I had quite a strong sense of her in meditation.
I was taken by the sky tonight. The stars were clearer than usual even with the lights of the City. Orion was very clear and I stopped several times to look and admire this constellation. I recall many years ago looking at it with my father. Discussing it with him. Looking for the North Star and admiring the belt and sword. It made me feel not just small and insignificant but transitory as well. How many pairs of eyes over millennia have also looked up and marveled? How many lives have toiled and died beneath him?
Perhaps the impact of these thoughts was all the greater for I also pondered how most days, I see nobody. My life has become like the day in the movie Groundhog Day. Each day pretty much the same and whatever I do, it starts monotonously again with the same script. Wake up, bathroom, coffee, check texts, mails, coffee, shower, work. I live alone now except for when my daughter is with me. I office in my bedroom so I spend much of my waking hours in there or the kitchen. I work at home. Curfew comes fast and there is little time to try to see anyone. So, most days, it’s just me. And it doesn’t bother me. Should it?
The truth is, my days are filled with things I deem important but possibly few others do. Blogging, writing, podcasting, making music…… and working. I have taken up baking and also cooking as well. Then I get out into the land whenever I can and even there, alone is just fine because I am not alone…. not in the forest.
So as I looked up at Orion and shed a little tear or two in missing that time a long time ago with my dad, I realised that I am finally fine with my own company and my own thoughts. I don’t need much to be happy and happy I mostly am.
It would be nice to find a woman to share things with but I also realise that I am such a, shall way say unique to be polite, person these days, I’m not sure she exists that perfect fit I dreamed of most of my life. And, as my last podcast guest told me when I asked her as a psychic about this, “Are you sure you have room in your life?” she asked.
Knowing how life works. Now I don’t need anyone. I will probably find her anyway. That seems to be the way things work.
I have the forest, nature and the goddess.